So this was Posted on another Board...I got permission to re-Post in here because I thought it was funny and interesting.
If all you want is a SPERM TEST, you don't need a urologist or heaven forbid a massive shithole of death like AUF...
Let me give you a few tips I turned up in my own odyssey of chaos, confusion, mystery, blatant failure, heart-wrenching emotional rollercoaster, massive frustration, and finally, the sweet release of success in putting a small amount of viscous fluid in a plastic cup the size of a hooker's heart.
Now they didn't tell me this all-the-fuck-at-once! As usual around here, they didn't feel the need to make all these rules and regulations CLEAR, so I kept going back to the testing clinic - more about which later.
1. No ejaculation for AT LEAST 3 days before the test.
2. Can only be 5 days SINCE your last ejaculation...short window of opportunity here, LOL.
3. Test takes 4 hours - be sure to go to testing facility at LEAST 5 hours before they close or else sorry sir not enough time come back tomorrow and try not to jerk off, dummy.
4. Whatever you think of as the "collection" room - where you think there is gonna be a nice bed, and maybe some videos or dirty magazines to help out - nope, sorry. First place I went too - Hi Precision up past AUF cause they got a nice big parking lot - after FINALLY getting all the dates and shit correct - they put me in a fucking TOILET! With a broken lock! Here ya go sir, just bring out the sample when you are done. So I'm sitting there like some kind of moron, pants around my ankles, flaccid little penis all shriveled up in sadness, thinking there is NO way I'm gonna do this...when suddenly the door burst open and in rushes someone in need of taking a piss. Fuck this, I'm outta here!
5. My asawa thinks this is the funniest thing that has happened yet. After her gales of laughter have subsided, she calls her doctor who says go to FAST MED (a little before AUF on the left side, 2nd floor), where the price is HALF (200P v 400P), and they have a little room with a plastic covered examining table and the door at least has a lock!
6. But it's too late, so we go back the next day, and I'm all ready to do the deed! Except, it ain't happening. Now customarily, I could jerk off in a hurricane while walking a tightrope over a pit full of alligators, but when I HAVE too? Nah, time for the walk of shame out of the room with everyone waiting there looking at poor you, unable to do your duty.
7. So now what? I go around that night whinging and whining to anyone that will listen until one guy finally says hey you fucking moron just load some of your stolen porn videos onto your fucking PHONE!
8. So finally, at long last, all my ducks are in a row, and I am able to do the deed, except the cup is SO little and it's not all that easy to control what comes streaming out but it seems there was JUST enough to do the test...and yes, my boys are aged, but they can STILL SWIM.
I hope this helps...